...

it was your anniversary yesterday. i just couldn't bring myself to write anything here. you've been gone for 30 years, almost. i am still unsure if it was 1981 or 1982 and i am too heart broken to ask R about it, lest that be the question that makes her sadder than she already is. she is sad, that is a no-brainer. how can one not be.

i keep thinking - how must it feel for her ? living in someone's memory. and here i am, feeling miserable without M - having known him for less than an year.

i don't know why we never formed the bonds of a family. i think as hard it is to concede to, i am very much like R. i think i make emotional decisions more than logical ones. and then when i do have to make logical decisions i make extreme ones. it's as though there is no middle ground with me. this temper thing needs to go away too. G on the other hand is an extremely rational, middle road type of person. as emotional as i am, she is completely the opposite. ofcourse, when she breaks down all hell breaks loose.

i've come to realize that i have a certain expectation of the world and i will tell you it. it's stupid really but i somehow expect the entire world to feel the pain that i am feeling. as i said, it is stupid. it's not to imply that the pain that i am feeling is the biggest or deepest or the most painful, it's just that i can imagine how the world expects everything to be fine when it is so obviously not. i need to get over this need. no one cares. period.

on an unrelated note, i only have one photograph of all of us and i will show it to you someday soon. it indeed is a prized possesion. even at that age, 2 or 3, i think, i look like a thug :)

MM.