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it was your anniversary yesterday. i just couldn't bring myself to write anything here. you've been gone for 30 years, almost. i am still unsure if it was 1981 or 1982 and i am too heart broken to ask R about it, lest that be the question that makes her sadder than she already is. she is sad, that is a no-brainer. how can one not be.

i keep thinking - how must it feel for her ? living in someone's memory. and here i am, feeling miserable without M - having known him for less than an year.

i don't know why we never formed the bonds of a family. i think as hard it is to concede to, i am very much like R. i think i make emotional decisions more than logical ones. and then when i do have to make logical decisions i make extreme ones. it's as though there is no middle ground with me. this temper thing needs to go away too. G on the other hand is an extremely rational, middle road type of person. as emotional as i am, she is completely the opposite. ofcourse, when she breaks down all hell breaks loose.

i've come to realize that i have a certain expectation of the world and i will tell you it. it's stupid really but i somehow expect the entire world to feel the pain that i am feeling. as i said, it is stupid. it's not to imply that the pain that i am feeling is the biggest or deepest or the most painful, it's just that i can imagine how the world expects everything to be fine when it is so obviously not. i need to get over this need. no one cares. period.

on an unrelated note, i only have one photograph of all of us and i will show it to you someday soon. it indeed is a prized possesion. even at that age, 2 or 3, i think, i look like a thug :)

MM.

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Dear Dad,

I don't remember your face. At all. I only have 1 photograph with all 4 of us in it. We are not much of a family anymore. R is in Madras, G in Santa Clara and me here. We do not get along with each other. Well, atleast I don't get along with either of them. So I think it is safe to say that the problem is with me. In fact, I don't get along with a lot of humanity. I don't know, it just seems like I am at cross purposes with the whole wide world.

Anyway, I keep meaning to chronicle this properly.

I miss M. I don't remember you. I don't get along with R and G. That's about the gist of this thing. Pathetic.

MM.

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Dear Dad,

Despite what I may have told you, I still love M. I want to give him another chance. He makes me feel like no other. He makes me smile, laugh, cry all in the same minute. I think you would have liked him if you'd meet him. I like him. I love him. I think you would have been able to knock some sense into his beautiful head.

I have so much more to tell you and I will continue telling you all of them. Just a little bit at a time so you don't get overwhelmed since you've not heard from me in so long.

Love You, MM.

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Dear Dad,

I was forced to call the wedding off because M was drinking too much and was out of a job. He was fine as long as I was giving him money but when I told him I could not give him any more because I did not have any myself, he became catatonic and called R when he was drunk.

He is still doing that. Calling me drunk at all hours of the day and night.

You know what the funny thing is ? R used to tell me that he reminds her so much of you because like you he is also a cricketer and a charmer, when not under the influence. He really was great when he was not drinking. Him quitting his job sent him on a downward spiral. Come September 24th he will have been out of a job for 7 months. I don't understand how someone with 2 MBAs can have so much trouble finding a job in an economy like this.

I sent him a strongly worded email today asking him not to call me when he is drunk. I am sure I will not hear from him again.

I am so heartbroken.

Miss you.

XO, MM.

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Dear Dad,

It was your birthday exactly one week ago and I forgot all about it. I have a really good reason why. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. Meanwhile, will you forgive me ?

Happy Belated Birthday.

MM.